Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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