Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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