no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
