if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
