Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
