I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
