I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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