I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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