I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
