i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
