Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
