guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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