did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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