did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
