we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
