I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
