TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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