Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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