I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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