just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
