so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
