i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
