I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
where are my eyebrows?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
