My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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