I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
how drunk are you?
Several
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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