am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
