You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
and you fell through a lawn chair
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
