The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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