my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
