Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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