that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
