Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
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