I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
