worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
