Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
