he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
