you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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