i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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