I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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