Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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