If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
