dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
