alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
