His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
