What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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