I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
