coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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