I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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