Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
