The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
