it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
