Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
