She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
