Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
