btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i now understand why vodka
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
