Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
