2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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