a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
