Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
